Ally Wildflower

Nostalgia: The Escape


My 20s have truly been a wild ride, filled with a whirlwind of emotions. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m going insane because I can’t quite understand them. I feel them deeply, and often they are sorrowful and sad. It constantly feels like I am in a state of grief, no matter what is going on. I often feel overstimulated and sensitive, sometimes without reason. Ironically, I’m in a time in my life where things are going great—better than the chaotic decades I’ve been through. So, why do I feel this way? Am I addicted to the pain of my past? Why am I walking around as if I still live that simple life I wanted to escape from?

Then I realized, I have a longing for something. Longing for what? Longing for simpler times. Longing for less stimulation. Longing for moments that felt good in the past. I was overcome with nostalgia.

In the past, I used music, movies, TV shows, and certain places like the beach as my comfort. I would get lost in lyrics, let the feelings music evoked wash over me, and sing for hours. I would watch movies that completely consumed me, making me forget about reality. I would go to the beach to smell the water, feel the sand on my feet, and swim until no thoughts about my life were present. Now, I get nostalgic feelings when I hear certain songs, watch certain movies, and even when I smell the salty beach water. Then, I am struck by the comfort that overcomes me and wish things could feel that way forever. I realized that I no longer do the things that once gave me that comfort and safe space. I still need them; I just don’t have time for them anymore. Or maybe I’ve just grown up? I don’t know. It’s hard to explain, but really, I just miss when things were slower, and I could bask in beautiful music and dramatic TV shows.

I am not sure what all this means exactly, but I have decided that these feelings aren’t negative, and I choose to embrace them. My past may have been chaotic, but so many beautiful things happened. This is just another chapter in the literary work that makes me who I am. I will go back to listening to music I enjoy and sing my heart out again. I will rewatch my favorite movies and get completely lost in them. I’ll try to go to the beach more. Basically, all the little things that bring those comforting nostalgic feelings, I’ll embrace them while making room for the memories to come. Memories are very important to our identity; they contain our stories. As Aldous Huxley said, “Every man’s memory is his private literature.”

With love,
Ally

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